I’m no lawyer. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from Perry Mason, LA Law, Boston Legal and Edgar Snyder commercials, it’s that lawyers love going to court. That’s where they ply their trade. That’s where the excitement is and reputations are made. Where all those years of research and studying and practicing will manifest themselves in brilliant oratory and reasoned argument that sways the hearts, minds and opinions of judge and jury in headline-grabbing triumph.
Except, apparently, most of the “corporate lawyers” I’ve had to deal with in my career.
No, unfortunately these folks will do anything humanly possible to avoid ever seeing the inside of a courtroom. I’m not sure what they think happens there, but it can’t be good. Maybe they think courtrooms are filled with large bears and swiftly rotating knives. Maybe they saw The Execution of Private Slovic and they think that’s what’ll happen to them if they lose a case. I don’t know. All I know is that they never want any part of a trial. Ever.
They may be great people. I wouldn’t know. I haven’t met any of these banes of my existence in person. It’s always through some intermediary bearing tidings of great disappointment in the form of the phrase, “We can’t say that.”
I know why. But I always ask anyway.
“Why?”
“Someone might take us to court.”
Yeah. Yeah, they might. AND THEN YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BEAT THEM. Isn’t that what lawyers went to law school for? To WIN cases? Didn’t they do dozens of practice trials at school? What happens? Do corporations only get the students that lost?
It would be like a guy going through football practice day after day, lifting weights, doing agility drills, studying film and then flat out refusing to play a game.
“Jackson! You’re in!”
“Whoa! I’m not going in there! There could be giant bears and swiftly rotating knives!”
Awhile back, we had a great tagline for a product. I mean, it was perfect. It was beautiful. It was only two words yet it captured the very essence of the brand and the psyche of the target audience. This baby was a rallying cry and unlike anything the category had ever seen. Then it went to the lawyers. Turns out there’s a wee little company, probably 1/1000 the size of our client, whose name uses variations of the two words in our tagline. Only in reverse order. And one is spelled wrong. And the one that’s spelled wrong is a noun. In our tagline, it was a verb. And spelled correctly. Combined, the words in their company name and our tagline meant completely different things. And believe me, whoever was buying from the little company was NOT in the market for what our client was selling. They’d have probably been brought to tears by it.
And of course, the lawyer agreed with all of the above. It made perfect sense.
“But you can’t use it.”
“Why?”
“They might take us to court.”
“They might take us to court.”
Uh huh. Uh huh. You’re right. They might just do that. AND THEN YOUR JOB IS TO BEAT THEM.
No. Apparently, their job is to run that white flag up the pole so fast that the rope smolders from the friction of their panicked yanking before any threatening move of any kind is made by any party anywhere.
I can just see that guy flopping, exhausted, in his extraordinarily expensive leather chair after work that night while his wife hands him a scotch and soda.
“I dodged a bullet today, Millie.”
Yeah. You did. It’s called VICTORY.
