IT'S THE LAW

Years ago, it was our commonwealth’s mission to make sure visiting drivers felt welcomed. “You’ve got a friend in Pennsylvania” was the warm and fuzzy greeting that met motorists who crossed the Mason-Dixon line or entered from any of our neighboring states. “Come on in,” the signs were saying. “We’re glad to have you.”

Today, sadly, it’s obvious that that heartwarming slogan is not only gone; it’s long, long forgotten.

On the most prominent signage along our interstate highways, the implied comfort of “You’ve got a friend” has been replaced with an oft-repeated and implied threat: IT’S THE LAW.

That’s a pretty drastic departure in tone. “You’ve got a friend” says “Come on in, relax, have a cup of coffee, spin a yarn and leave your worries on the other side of the border.” “IT’S THE LAW” says, “YOU DO WHAT WE SAY, SERF, OR YOU’LL SUFFER OUR WRATH”

Not quite the same is it?

Yet, there it is on sign after sign — warning after warning telling motorists to do as they’re told… or else:

BUCKLE UP. IT’S THE LAW.

TURN HEADLIGHTS ON IN WORK ZONE. IT’S THE LAW.

LIGHTS ON WHEN WIPERS ACTIVATED. IT’S THE LAW.

KEEP RIGHT. PASS LEFT. IT’S THE LAW.

ALL SNOW MUST BE REMOVED FROM MOVING VEHICLES. IT’S THE LAW.

Maybe the slogan on the welcome signs should be, “YOU’VE GOT AN OVERBEARING, MEDDLING COMMANDANT WITH A GOD COMPLEX IN PENNSYLVANIA.”

Oops, almost forgot the most important part: “AND HE’S A FILTHY HYPOCRITE.”

You see, Pennsylvania is big on telling you to follow the law, but the people who write the laws are free to break them at will. And pretty much without consequence to boot. Oh sure, sometimes the powers that be sacrifice a bozo to appease the disgruntled masses, but for the most part, lawmakers as lawbreakers is the norm here. And even when they are caught and convicted, they’re barely punished for breaking THE LAW.

Take convicted State Senator Vincent Fumo. He bilked state taxpayers of at least $4 million and was tried and convicted. Federal sentencing guidelines and a probation report recommended 21 to 27 years in prison. State prosecutors were asking for 10 to 15. The judge in the case gave him two and a half. But don’t get too upset. He’ll be out before then for good behavior.

So technically, you’ve still got a friend in Pennsylvania, provided you’re a powerful and well connected yet corrupt politician.

But since the state is so fond of telling everyone what THE LAW is, maybe they should consider a few more signs. Like maybe a reminder for PennDOT about what exactly they’re supposed to be doing. Start with their mission statement:

“PENNDOT provides services and a safe intermodal transportation system that attracts businesses and residents and stimulate (sic) Pennsylvania's economy. IT’S THE LAW.”

Of course, they do no such thing. (Hell, they can’t even make their subjects and verbs agree.) They provide lousy roads that are poorly conceived, constructed and maintained so as to create government make-work jobs in a state that couldn’t attract business without bribery if their lives depended on it.

Here’s one for our illustrious elected officials:

“A balanced budget must be approved by July 1. IT’S THE LAW.”

Pennsylvania has made a habit of ignoring this particular law — without consequence, of course. Ed Rendell has turned breaking this law into an art form by constantly demanding new taxes and higher spending as his solution to absolutely everything, then holding state employees hostage until the legislature caves to at least some of his useless spending.

Here’s a beaut:

“No member of either House shall during the term for which he may have been elected, receive any increase of salary, or mileage, under any law passed during such term. IT’S THE LAW!”

Back in ’05, they got around this through something called “unvouchered expenses” which jacked their pay 16-32%. The Supreme Court probably recognized this as an unconstitutional act, right up until they discovered that their own salaries got bumped up, too. Ta-da! It’s legal! Eventually, a near revolt by the citizenry scared the legislature into repealing the raise, but the courts let them get off Scott-free. Which means they can completely ignore that very clear constitutional prohibition at will in the future.

But by God my headlights better be a blazin’ if my windshield wipers are on or I’m gonna be dragged before the magistrate and made to pay an exorbitant fine.  

After all, IT’S THE LAW.

So, according to Article I Section 21 of the state constitution is this:

“The right of the citizens to bear arms in defense of themselves and the State shall not be questioned.”

That is, if you think it’s actually a state worth defending.

Eyjafjallajokull.

If you’ve happened to read any news reports in the past week, you’ve learned that a volcano is wreaking havoc with air travel in Europe.  This, of course, is normally a union job, but I digress. In virtually all of those printed (or webbed) news reports, you’ll see the name of the volcano, Eyjafjallajokull, written out like any third grader should be able to pronounce it. Which any third grader can, provided said third grader lives in Iceland, which is where Eyjafjallajokull is located.

But here in the States, Eyjafjallajokull is not a word. It’s what happens when a ferret walks across a laptop.

It would make sense of course, and be totally courteous, if the news outlets spelled Eyjafjallajokull  the way it sounds. If they did, they’d come up with something like Ayafyatlayokut, which isn’t a lot better. But still, a reader could get close to the proper pronunciation. However, AP and Reuters reporters would never dream of spelling Eyjafjallajokull with the letters which, in English (which we speak), actually make the sounds they hear when someone in Iceland pronounces the name of the volcano. No, no. They’re more global than you or I. And by God, they’re going to prove it by spelling it the way they spell it in Iceland. If you don’t know that those double “L”s make a “T” sound, it’s because you’re dumber than they are. Or more parochial. Same difference.

“But that’s not how they spell it in Iceland,” they might say. True. But look very, very closely at a globe. You may notice something surprising: This isn’t Iceland. By the reasoning of “That’s how they spell it,” Ichiro Suzuki’s name should always be printed in Japanese letters. “Pravda,” the Russian newspaper, should be spelled BP3MR (and the R would be backwards). King Tut’s name should always be spelled with a couple of fish, a Sphinx head, rippling water and a stick. So why is that volcano spelled like someone tried to type with their elbows?

This disregard for the way we pronounce letters in our American culture is nothing new. Take Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski. I’m sure Krzyzewski is how they spell Shishevski in Poland, but again, please see the aforementioned globe. This isn’t Poland. In America, the letters in “Krzyzewski” make the sound “Kurzyzooski.” If you want America to pronounce it “Shishevski” maybe you ought to spell it that way. But if you’re more in love with the way it looks than the way it sounds, then good luck in that big game against NC State, Mister Kurzyzooski.

This constant bending to the grammar rules of foreign countries is how we Pirates fans ended up with a back-up catcher by the name of Jason Jaramillo. And yes, it’s pronounced “Jayson HairaMEEoh.” Someone needs to tell this feller that “J” makes one sound in American English, and that’s the sound of “Jar,” “Jerky” or “John Wayne.” How do we acknowledge that rule in Jason’s first name, then abandon it one word later? If some guy from Chicago insisted on the same treatment in a foreign land, he’d be labeled an “Ugly American.”

But here, we have to be politically correct and avoid the scorn of our American culture-hating elitists for being narrow minded xenophobes. So to that end, I’d like to remind you that if you’re traveling to Europe, beware Eyjafjallajokull. Back in 1821, it erupted for a whole year. Hopefully, it will do the same this time around. You’ll need that long to learn how to speak Icelandic.