Having lived here for 20 years now, I can tell you there’s a lot to like about western Pennsylvania. The names of some of the places, however, don’t make the list. I’m not sure where these names came from, but someone should give them back. It’s our only hope.
Blawnox
I’ve always imagined that the elder in charge of announcing the winning entry of Blawnox’s naming contest got as far as, “And the official name of our community is” when he suddenly threw up. The town stenographer tried to spell the sound of retching as best he could and, voila. “Blawnox.” Since then, I’ve learned that the founders waited too long to name their town, and the only three names available were Stinktown, Upper Diphtheria and Blawnox. After 52 ballots, Blawnox beat Stinktown in a runoff by one vote.
Leet
That’s not a name. That’s a facial tick.
Leetsdale
A town of facial ticks.
Pittsburgh
I know it’s a tribute to William Pitt, a friend of the colonists, and that’s all good and whatnot. Still, these are two pretty harsh syllables slammed together and they just don’t sound good. Back in 1907, when Pittsburgh annexed Allegheny City, they had a golden opportunity to pick the better of the two names. They blew it. Bad. Don’t believe me? Which name do you think has a better chance of completing this sentence: “And the 2024 Summer Olympics are awarded to…”? Pittsburgh? Uh-uh. Allegheny City? “Why, that sounds like a lovely place to hold the Olympics!”
East Pittsburgh
They should have just called their town “Too Lazy to Feign Originality.” “There’s Pittsburgh. We’re east of that. East Pittsburgh. Motion to adjourn? Good. Commence drinking.”
Wall
I guess “Roof” and “Floor” were taken. “Support Beam” was a close second in the voting.
Glen Osborne
That’s not a town. That’s a B-movie actor who died under very mysterious circumstances. “Glen Osborne was found dead this morning inside his laundry chute. He was wearing a Spanish bullfighter cape. Several goats were found locked in his attic. Police suspect foul play and are still searching for the murder weapon, which is believed to be a ham.”
Plum
“I live in Plum” must sound funny to immigrants. “You live in Plum? Your wife, she live in Peach?”
Green Tree
If ever a bunch of town founders mailed in a name, it was the guys who founded Green Tree. They looked for something distinguishing about their town, and all they came up with was a tree? That’s green? What tree around here isn’t usually green? If they found a blue tree, then I could see naming a town after it. Folklore has it that Green Tree’s founders joined the westward migration and established the town of Flatter Than Hell, Kansas.
Munhall
I think that’s actually the title of a Neanderthal chieftain.
Pittcairn
“Cairn” is from the Irish and denotes a manmade pile of stones. So this is William Pitt’s pile of stones. Fantastic. Why not just name it, “Please Don’t Come Here”?
Squirrel Hill
I know it’s a lovely part of town and all, but seriously? You named it after squirrels? Squirrels are goofy little mental cases that run around burying nuts and immediately forgetting where they put them. Watch a squirrel some time. Just as soon as he finishes covering up the nut, he stands there and thinks, “Shit. Where’d I put that nut?” Then he runs fifty yards away and starts digging frantically because for some reason, he’s convinced that that’s where he left it. On top of that, what hill in Pennsylvania ISN’T loaded with squirrels? Every hill we have is squirrel hill.
Rankin
If you want to guarantee that the town you’re founding will always be well known for it’s assortment of eyesores, call it Rankin. Or Pus. Or Goiter. How about Gammy Leg? Snot? Maggot! No, on second thought, Rankin sounds worse. That’ll do the trick.
Wilmerding
These guys just had to be drunk.
hilarious
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