Eyjafjallajokull.

If you’ve happened to read any news reports in the past week, you’ve learned that a volcano is wreaking havoc with air travel in Europe.  This, of course, is normally a union job, but I digress. In virtually all of those printed (or webbed) news reports, you’ll see the name of the volcano, Eyjafjallajokull, written out like any third grader should be able to pronounce it. Which any third grader can, provided said third grader lives in Iceland, which is where Eyjafjallajokull is located.

But here in the States, Eyjafjallajokull is not a word. It’s what happens when a ferret walks across a laptop.

It would make sense of course, and be totally courteous, if the news outlets spelled Eyjafjallajokull  the way it sounds. If they did, they’d come up with something like Ayafyatlayokut, which isn’t a lot better. But still, a reader could get close to the proper pronunciation. However, AP and Reuters reporters would never dream of spelling Eyjafjallajokull with the letters which, in English (which we speak), actually make the sounds they hear when someone in Iceland pronounces the name of the volcano. No, no. They’re more global than you or I. And by God, they’re going to prove it by spelling it the way they spell it in Iceland. If you don’t know that those double “L”s make a “T” sound, it’s because you’re dumber than they are. Or more parochial. Same difference.

“But that’s not how they spell it in Iceland,” they might say. True. But look very, very closely at a globe. You may notice something surprising: This isn’t Iceland. By the reasoning of “That’s how they spell it,” Ichiro Suzuki’s name should always be printed in Japanese letters. “Pravda,” the Russian newspaper, should be spelled BP3MR (and the R would be backwards). King Tut’s name should always be spelled with a couple of fish, a Sphinx head, rippling water and a stick. So why is that volcano spelled like someone tried to type with their elbows?

This disregard for the way we pronounce letters in our American culture is nothing new. Take Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski. I’m sure Krzyzewski is how they spell Shishevski in Poland, but again, please see the aforementioned globe. This isn’t Poland. In America, the letters in “Krzyzewski” make the sound “Kurzyzooski.” If you want America to pronounce it “Shishevski” maybe you ought to spell it that way. But if you’re more in love with the way it looks than the way it sounds, then good luck in that big game against NC State, Mister Kurzyzooski.

This constant bending to the grammar rules of foreign countries is how we Pirates fans ended up with a back-up catcher by the name of Jason Jaramillo. And yes, it’s pronounced “Jayson HairaMEEoh.” Someone needs to tell this feller that “J” makes one sound in American English, and that’s the sound of “Jar,” “Jerky” or “John Wayne.” How do we acknowledge that rule in Jason’s first name, then abandon it one word later? If some guy from Chicago insisted on the same treatment in a foreign land, he’d be labeled an “Ugly American.”

But here, we have to be politically correct and avoid the scorn of our American culture-hating elitists for being narrow minded xenophobes. So to that end, I’d like to remind you that if you’re traveling to Europe, beware Eyjafjallajokull. Back in 1821, it erupted for a whole year. Hopefully, it will do the same this time around. You’ll need that long to learn how to speak Icelandic.