Well the blessed news just arrived over Twitter that the NFL players and owners have reached an agreement, thereby avoiding a badly needed shutdown of America's most gaudy five-shows-a-week television program. From today (which featured an NWS Extreme Heat Warning) until the second week of February (which will feature an NWS Blizzard Warning), we can look forward to endless coverage of the season to come, the season that is, and the season that was. This will be followed by the free agency season, combine season, draft season, spring voluntary (or you're fired) workout season and training camp season, interspersed with run-in-with-the-law season, FBI investigation season, serious allegations of (INSERT FELONY HERE) season and "marvelous story of redemption after prison" season.
Thankfully, we needn't worry another minute that our late summer, entire fall and three-fourths of winter will be devoid of life-enriching fare the likes of ESPN's NFL Prime Time (ten time winner of the Emmy Award for Outstanding Achievement in Jackassery). Cities like Pittsburgh, that desperately need revenue to fund vital graft, will reap the benefits of ticket sales, merchandise sales, parking taxes and public urination fines. And the makers of impotence drugs and impotent beers will once again find a forum to raise public awareness during the three-hour commercial marathons known as NFL telecasts.
Cue the exploding helmets! The gladiator music! The FOX dancing robot! Celebrate the storied rivalries such as Carolina vs. Atlanta, played on 100 yards of plastic and ground up tires under an inflated roof, just like Johnny Unitas and Bart Starr used to do! Savor the drama of waiting four minutes for a referee to decide whether the video replay conclusively shows that, a) that really was a catch or, b) that the receiver bobbled the ball upon landing out of bounds, even though both feet were clearly in bounds, because after all, he didn't make a "football move," aside from having control of the ball while both feet were in bounds, and even though the ground can't cause a fumble, it certainly can cause an incompletion, even if that ground is out of bounds. (It's clearly spelled out on page 964 of the official NFL rule book.)
So get ready to once again cheer the action, the collisions, the blind-side sacks, the bone-jarring, ball-loosening hits! And don't forget to join the NFL in observing a moment of silence for (INSERT FORMER PLAYER HERE) who succumbed to pugilistic dementia at the age of 43.
It's time for Air Force fly-overs, smoke machines, indoor pyrotechnics, and the National Anthem performed by a teeny bopper who doesn't know the words and is only vaguely familiar with the tune. Get ready for a halftime extravaganza featuring the animated corpse of Jimmy Page, followed by the insightful analysis of Shannon "What The Hell Did He Say?" Sharpe. And be sure to check Twitter after the game to see who's gonna wake and bake tomorrow morning!
Yes, the NFL is back, baby. And it's never going away.
Never, ever, ever.
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