The Idiot-Proof Cash Register

During high school, I worked in a neighborhood corner store called Paul’s Market. It was a great little store, one of the last non-cookie-cutter convenience stores in Altoona, back in the days when virtually every middle class neighborhood featured a couple of homes that were converted into little businesses. A far cry from today when you can count on middle class neighborhoods with a couple of homes converted into meth labs. Both are entrepreneurial, yet hardly interchangeable.

Paul’s had a cash register that pretty much left change-making up to the cashier. After ringing up the item and taking the cash, some quick math in the head told you the change the customer received. Even though I’ve never been a mathematical wizard, only once or twice did I miscount. But these were the days when customers could do math in their heads too, so mistakes were quickly corrected and followed by accusations of attempted grand larceny.

One day, someone must have decided that mental math was too much to ask of the average cashier, and such registers were replaced with machines that tell you how much change a customer receives. No more thinking required. Just tell the machine what something costs, tell it how much money the customer gave you, and voila! It tells you exactly how much money to give back. How simple can you get? These new registers were 100% idiot-proof.

It appears I underestimated idiots.

Which brings me to Busy Beaver.

Actually, what brought me to Busy Beaver was a never-stop toilet that needed a new whatever that thing is called that makes a toilet flush and refill. After finding it, I made my way to the cashier, paid with a $20 bill and waited for my change.

I chanced a glance at the electronic register/supercomputer that most stores have now and noticed that it not only told the nice cashier what my change should be. It actually told her which coins and bills were required to make up that change:

1 — $5

1 — 5¢

2 — 1¢

Now, the only thing one can surmise from this is that somewhere along the line, there was an epidemic of cashiers who couldn’t convert a monetary figure into actual money.

“Your change is five dollars and seven cents. Um… OK… wait… so… here’s 12 of these guys with white wigs… and here’s a tube of nickels.”

Either that, or they just stood there looking blankly in the drawer for a few minutes before saying, “You know what? Why don’t reach in there and get it yourself.”

Are there really people who can’t convert “$5.07” into five actual dollars and seven actual cents? And if so, why are they in charge of money? Shouldn’t you have them outside sweeping the sidewalk? Or better yet, traveling the world looking for landmines with their toes? These are people who probably shouldn’t be working inside a building that’s stuffed to the rafters with hack saws, razor blades, power tools and some of the most lethal chemicals known to man. 

You know why? 

BECAUSE THEY’RE DUMB.

But in Busy Beaver's defense, they can't be the only ones encountering this level of dumbth in their prospective employee pool. There must be demand for these cash registers or no one would be building them.

When you think about it, that's not a comforting thought. After spending hundreds of billions of dollars on education over the last 20 years, our schools are turning out graduates who have to be given the recipe for change.